From Bullying to Anorexia: My Journey to Empowerment and Resilience.
A powerful blog about overcoming challenges and embracing strength from our Glo Get It Sponsorship winner Jo Wilson .
I have always been a very active person. I’m regularly told that as a child I was always climbing up a tree or running around like a headless chicken! I started running at a very young age and have since tried a number of sports including boxing, tennis, triathlon, road cycling, criteriums (cycling), track cycling and steeplechase. My childhood passion for sport extended all the way through primary school – I was an enthusiastic participant in all of my school swimming carnivals (despite my utter inability to swim), athletics carnivals and cross-country races. I was always really competitive, meaning I would often train, in the attempt to beat my fiercest rivals in these events.
This passion for sport grew during high school, where I became more seriously involved in training and events. By this time I had ditched swimming (I simply do not belong in the water) and focussed more on cross country and athletics. After countless years of never placing at regional sporting events, I started to find my feet. And from there, my passion and love (well, love-hate) relationship with sport was cemented.
A Defining moments in my sporting journey:
One of my most vivid memories of my sport as a child was during an athletics carnival in primary school. At this time I would have been about 9 or 10 years old I think, and I was keen to win my heat in the 100m final (not knowing back then that I’m actually a terrible sprinter). The gun fired and off I went in my little spikes, legs and arms pumping. About half way through my race, I tripped because I wasn’t used to running in these particular shoes. Nevertheless, I got back up and finished the race, getting through to the final despite my fall. When I got to the end, I remember crying, devastated with my result. I went over to dad, concerned parents watching on. When I got there, he told me to ‘suck it up…get out there and win the final. There’s no crying in sport’. Although this shocked a lot of the curious parents, it worked. And it has stuck with me forever. From that point in time, I discovered that you have to learn to lose before you can win. Disappointment equals motivation to do better in the future.
My Biggest achievement:
My biggest year was in 2019 when I got the opportunity to participate in my first ever national school cross country championships. At this point, I was a nobody – nobody knew who I was, or where I came from. I went into this race not knowing what to expect, and not really expecting much. I was just a small-town girl with no coach and my own made-up training program. I started dead last in this race, and I remember running at the back, somehow being relaxed as I stuck to my splits. I kept on this pace for the whole race, eventually overtaking 90 (or thereabouts) other girls to end up placing 3rd in the country in that age category, or 1st in the country for my age at the time. I now know that the girls I was beaten by are absolute superstars and I’m so grateful to have had the opportunity to race against them – one went off to a USA college and runs freakishly fast 5km times, and the other has been all around the nation and the world running insanely quick 1500m times. Whilst I haven’t been able to run these times since that event, I am slowly working towards getting there again. I regularly look at my medal on the wall and am reminded of how far I have come in my sporting journey.
My biggest challenge:
Aside from lack of motivation and the typical athlete struggle with injury, I had a number of setbacks in my sporting career. When I was in my first year of high school, I was bullied. This bullying essentially resulted in me isolating myself and eventually developing a near-fatal eating disorder, anorexia. This was the most significant challenge I have ever had to face in my sporting career, and in my life. However I am grateful to have survived this stage of my life, and I am extremely happy to be back doing what I love.
I also faced numerous challenges in high school and even the first couple years of uni. Due to attending a high school not so huge on their athletics and running (and due to me not having a coach), I basically had to navigate my way around events myself. And I still do to this day. I missed out on a number of events in high school, including steeplechase which I always wanted to try. Even now, I realise I have missed out on multiple sporting pathways due to never being informed about certain events and qualifiers etc. Another similar challenge I had to face was rejection from USA colleges. I applied for sporting scholarships at several US colleges (not really knowing which ones to apply for or what I was doing), and each time was faced with either no response or rejection – informing me that my times were too slow. I never really told anyone about this, however it really did crush me as an athlete. After this setback, and after seeing all my running buddies heading off to the US, I really had an unmotivated phase in my sport. It was hard seeing everyone travel the world and discover their potentials, while I remained at home wondering what it would be like. However, I have slowly taught myself to love my sport again. It’s important to learn to love it, even when your times aren’t what you hope for.
This too shall pass:
In grade 8, I was admitted to a youth mental health facility at hospital for my eating disorder, which became so severe it almost killed me…multiple times. My 4 or 5 stays at hospital were challenging to say the least and not in any way pleasant. My weight got dangerously low, through my thinking that if I ate less/if I was lighter, my performance would be better. I wanted to see quicker times, and I wanted to see an image that satisfied me in the mirror.
My first admission to hospital was in October 2015. I was sent to a doctor for a general check up (heart rate, blood pressure, weight, height etc.), which found that my vitals were critically low. The next day, mum picked me up from school with a bag already packed for me. They were worried I wasn’t going to make it through another day. My first 24 hours here was confronting. I was monitored continuously throughout the night and eventually moved to the paediatric unit to be monitored more closely. My heart rate got down to 35 beats per minute (where a normal heart rate of this age is between 60-120 bpm) and I was continuously supervised by a nurse. At one point, I wasn’t even allowed to move due to the fear that my heart would stop at any moment – I had to be moved around in a wheelchair. Throughout my time in hospital, I had multiple nasogastric tubes (tubes that into your nose and down into your stomach for calorie intake), experienced many daily blood tests (leaving me bruised and sore), missed Birthdays, breakdowns, anxiety, depression, pain, constant supervision, heart rate monitoring, weigh-ins, BMI calculations, family meetings with my doctor and case manager and many traumatic experiences. No 11-year-old should have to go through that.
It was not a fun time in my life. I saw some things that will haunt me forever. There are songs I still can’t listen to and memories that I try not to think about, but it was a huge part of my life. I have a favourite quote that I used to get through this time (now tattooed on my arm) – ‘This too, shall pass’. And I am grateful I was able to survive this time of my life; to come back stronger and more passionate about sport than ever. I was told that I was never to exercise again, but there was no way that was ever in the books. I missed grade 8 and almost died, but it motivated me to grow stronger and run harder than ever before. Four years later and I was the fastest 16-year-old in Australia over 4km.
My choice for recovery:
In hospital, my turning point was when I missed my 12th birthday. I cried on the phone to my parents, wishing I could be home and wishing I could have seen them…I wasn’t even allowed to finish my phone call, because dinner arrived and I was ordered to hang up. Whilst I am grateful for the nurses at this hospital for keeping me alive, I hated that place.
It was my last ever night in hospital that really scarred me the most. I made some amazing friends who helped me through my time and I am forever grateful for these beautiful people. On my last night in hospital, things got dark. Security was called for multiple people, there was screaming and all kinds of chaos imaginable. It was all really traumatic for a 12-year-old girl. I kept to my own and stayed away from trouble, being forced to go to bed early for my own safety. The next day, the rules became 10 times stricter and the place became 10 times more unbearable. Thankfully, this was the last time I ever had to see the inside of the building – I was discharged for good! I had to still go back to hospital (but a different building thankfully) for weekly check ups for a year after my last hospital stay. However, I was still extremely relieved I never had to be an in-patient in the youth mental health ward again.
Whilst I had friends and family motivating me and helping me through this time, it was ultimately my choice for recovery. I learnt that I couldn’t choose both – I couldn’t have a normal life AND an eating disorder: it was one or the other. It was one of the most difficult times of my life coming to this realisation, but I had more mental strength than I ever imagined and survived.
Love being strong:
I’m not going to lie – I love my food. I am a self-declared chocolate addict and I regularly snack on what people consider to be bad food. If there’s one saying that was inscribed into my brain in hospital, it’s that ‘everything is healthy in moderation’. It is still tough sometimes, and (like a lot of athletes, I think), I still have occasional body dysmorphia. But I enjoy being strong. I enjoy being able to lift and run and feel good doing so. And while I’m not as speedy as I once was, I am working my way towards it and enjoying every step of the journey along the way.
Mum and dad own a gym and ironically, I live there! I am very thankful for their approach towards training and towards food: it isn’t about what you look like, it’s about what your body can do, and how you feel. Food is simply fuel, and it is enjoyable in so many different ways! I love my training now too. There was a point after national cross country that I put way too much pressure on myself to perform a certain way. This essentially made me fall out of love with the sport, and I had about a year of not running a lot at all. However, after this break I was able to fall in love with my sport again, putting less pressure on myself and having fun along the way. Every run is an adventure! I think it is important to remember why you started this sport in the first place and to just keep going. And food is simply energy – you need it to survive, and life is too short to worry and feel guilty about what you eat.
My message:
I think it is important for young athletes (and people in general) to know that you are never alone. There is always support and there is always a way out. I know there is a lot of body dysmorphia and eating disorders in sport and I think it is critical that we speak about these issues more. It is important for people to know that there is no such thing as a ‘runner’s body’ or an ‘athlete’s body’ – everybody is different and your worth is not based on how you look.
Most importantly, I want these athletes to know that you are strong. There will be so many challenges in your sporting journey along the way, but if you set your mind to it you really can overcome all of them. You are capable of conquering anything life throws at you, but you have to make difficult choices and understand that you are mentally strong enough to do it.
Lastly, ‘this too, shall pass’. The good times and the bad times all pass and life moves so quickly. Any time I hesitate to do something, I think life is too short for this – just go for it! Life is a mental battle, just like a race. You may think your legs are tired and your lungs are burning, but it’s your head that either gets you to the finish line or makes you pull out of the race. So stay strong and be resilient! This too, shall pass.
The future is bright:
In the future, I’m looking to compete more and improve my overall fitness (to try run quicker times)! I’m hoping to compete in a few cross-country events this season and have a good track season at the end of this year/start of next year. I also have UniSport National distance running championships in July, where I will be competing in a half marathon and I am also aiming to improve my 5km (parkrun) times.
Another goal of mine is to do it for me, and to not get trapped in my own head. It can be good being competitive, but I am one who constantly compares myself to other people and it can also be dangerous. I see people my age running 16 minute 5km races (if you’re not familiar with 5km, this is SUPER fast) and I feel disappointed that I have never been able to achieve this. But you never know what the future holds and I have to remind myself sometimes that there are people who wish they could run my times for certain races and so I am grateful for what my body can do for me. I also try hard not to put too much pressure on myself and continuously remind myself that I love my sport. Running is hard, but it is also fun and that should never change. I would like to be quicker, but that will hopefully come with experience and time. For now, it’s time to put my head down and chip away at my goals!
By Jo Wilson